We are most comfortable around people who are just like us. That is just the way we are. We resonate with people who have had the same interests, experiences, and habits. While a lot of us look to find friends with different experiences, that really isn't the basic human tendency in terms of comfort. That is more about us looking for adventure and new experiences. But are these differences wrong, are they abnormal, but most importantly, do the problems to be addressed?
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Let’s start with what an abnormality is. An abnormality is something that is not normal. However, while in cases of genetics and science it is easy to define what normal is and how things should be, the same cannot be said about attitudes and behaviors that are compared to the rest of society. For me, it was completely normal growing up, to pass on eating cake at birthday parties because I grew up vegetarian. But for the people around me, that was abnormal. For some, it may have even seemed that I was asking for attention by not eating as my peers did.
Then there are people who are considered different. While these are also different because of their deviation from the norm, differences are usually co-related to the expectations people have of others and how those expectations are not met. They are not pre-defined as normalities are, but they are usually deviations from expectations. A child who is expected to sit throughout the class, but has too much energy and keeps jumping around is different as they don’t meet the expectations of that class.
While being different and being abnormal are both often linked to problems and being problematic, that isn’t really the case. Problems only arise when these normalcies and differences lead to thoughts of behaviors that can hurt/harm the person or the people around them. It is when depressive tendencies that are normal, become so intense that the person stops functioning. This leads to one becoming 'abnormal', and when they lead to suicidal thoughts, that is when they become problematic.
When I grew up, I always slept alone, that for me was completely normal. Me, just sleeping in my own bed, making my own bed, doing my homework by myself, and being an independent child. In most Indian households, however, this is a deviation from the norm. Children sleep with their parents or grandparents even once they go to elementary school. Mothers and tutors help with homework and there is someone to help out with daily chores. While for me this was abnormal, for no reason could I say it was a problem. However, I could say it was different.
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While this example is relatively harmless, think about how many times we may have avoided a conversation, sat at a different table or created a negative perception of someone just because they don’t resonate with our idea of the 'everyday'. Think about how groups that are minorities, such as those who are non-gender conforming, or androgynously dressing, are considered abnormal in a problematic manner, when that is what is normal to them. Think about these situations as a haircut your mom didn’t like, but you knew that was just an expression that hurt neither you nor her. We all are bound by our cultures and are often a reflection of them. However, we can choose to distinguish between abnormal, the expectations that make things different and problematic.
I think for me, what has worked in this conversation, has always been trying to educate the other side that neither is wrong, but having this diversity actually makes us all better. Love and education go a longer way than hate, disdain, and boundaries caused by harmless differences.
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