I’m not someone who has a tendency to gain weight. I just really like to eat and have a bad habit of turning into a couch potato given half a chance. Unfortunately, a little while ago, both these things combined to devastating effect, forming a perfect storm of weight gain. I gained about 30 kilos (or roughly 66 pounds) in 4 months. It was a pretty jarring transformation, but I didn’t really see it coming till I ran out of pants that fit. Suddenly, the era of sweatpants ushered in, and that’s who I was; the person who wore sweatpants everywhere.
But more than the weight gain itself, its psychological and physical impact is what shook me from my funk. After the initial phase of denial and excuses passed, I took stock of how my functioning had changed over the last few months. Sure, I was heavier, but I found myself getting injured far more often, actively avoiding seeing myself in pictures and mirrors and was going out of my way to stay at home as much as possible. I believe that if you’re happy in your skin, however it may be, you should stick to it. But I wasn’t. For the longest time, I treated my falling self-esteem and unhappiness as a symptom of my weight gain, but it was really the other way around.
Such rapid weight gain isn’t commonplace, so something had to have changed for it to happen, right? I discovered I was stuck in a vicious cycle; I ate because my mental health was compromised, which caused me to gain weight, but all that weight gain compromised my mental health even further. I started obsessing over the number on the weighing scale, I found myself yearning to step on and see what it had to say multiple times a day; like that number was inexplicably tied to my sense of self-worth.
It took me time to redefine what it meant to gain weight, and what would change if I lost it. I’ve actively tried to prioritize my mental health for years, and if this was something that endangered that, well then it had to go. It was, and is my true motivation behind trying to lose the weight. In the past, injuries have always triggered spirals and bad days, and if the likelihood of my getting injured was higher, then I knew what I had to do. The number on the scale became irrelevant. I don’t really care if I lose 5 kilos or 25, how I feel about myself at any point takes precedence over all else. But it wasn’t easy. The sudden weight gain meant that my body was struggling to come to terms with all this extra mass I was carrying, so I had to start slow.
I’ve always known that creating a calorie deficit would be extremely beneficial in helping me meet my goals, but like I mentioned earlier, I really love to eat. It took me a little while, but I found a way around it; I started cooking for myself. I’ve known how to cook for a few years, but if I could choose between cooking for myself or ordering a 12-inch pizza, Italia always won. But over time, I started getting into the groove and now I love cooking. We’re on lockdown right now, which means I’ve come home to my family and I really, really miss my kitchen. More than just making healthier choices, the time I spent in the kitchen put me back in touch with myself. I started relishing the time I spent there, and food ended up becoming a medium for me to express affection for my friends and family.
This was a far cry from the person who avoided going out with friends just a few months ago. As I began cooking for myself, I felt more energetic and lighter on my feet. That meant I could work out more. I still got injured more than I’d care to admit, but I don’t spiral the way I did anymore. I’ve stopped finding solace in stuffing myself and then feeling bad about it. Over time, my mind has reconfigured itself, to associate feeling of wellness with the choices I make for myself.
I’ve lost about a third of the weight I had gained, so I have a long way to go. But my biggest takeaway from this journey has been that my weight is more than just a number on a scale. Any losses or gains don’t indicate my self-worth, but rather it is an indication of the relationship between my body and mind. That makes it a little easier to dig into some ice-cream when I want to and not feel bad about it. I’m a human being, not check-in luggage that needs to be a certain weight or beneath it.
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