Ah, ‘toxic’; we throw this word around quite a lot don’t we? It’s been neutered, watered down even over the years. It’s tossed around like a death knell in essence, if anyone is branded ‘toxic’ they’re beyond redemption, a social outcast. But the fact is that each of us is toxic to someone, or at least has the potential for toxicity.
Everyone’s the hero in their own story, so that isn’t a conversation that can be had with ease. When I’m talking about ‘toxic beliefs’, I’m talking about the things we tell ourselves, consciously or even unconsciously, that are standing in the way of true mental fortitude. So stick around, let’s talk about it.
“It’s my way or the highway.”
Arguments or differences in opinion are an integral part of pretty much any relationship. But so often, we get caught up in trying to be right than actually getting our point across. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that, sometimes emotions just get the better of us. But sometimes, we get so hell bent on being right, that nothing else is acceptable. We lose sight of the fact that it’s the two of us against the problem, and not you vs. me.
Or, even worse, we think of ourselves as an intellectual saviour, the Messiah of Morality who knows all. Allow me to burst the bubble. You’re not perfect. You can be wrong; you can have your head up your ass. Admit your wrongs and grow. Trying to be right all the time is not is just a way of trying to prove superiority, and has nothing to do with the issue at hand.
“This will make or break me.”
The thing is, we will experience numerous ‘make or break’ moments in our lives, but none of them truly make or break us. They’re defining moments that challenge us and dictate what we choose to do next. Understand that there are certain things in life that are more important than others, and give them the weightage they deserve. But none of these things will truly be the end of the story, think of them as page breaks or the end of the chapter; there’s more to come.
Self-love above all else
Don’t get me wrong, self-love is important, but how we choose to define it could often be problematic. Self-love isn’t about casting everything and everyone aside to do what we want, that’s a different word, that’s selfishness. Self-love is different. Self-love is about taking time out to do things that bring us joy (*ahem* Marie Kondo). Self-love is about culling toxicity that is irreparable in our lives in the hopes of living a better life, not casting aside the people important to us for a spa day under the guise of “self-love”.
“I am what people say I am.”
This one is perhaps the most important on the list, because in my opinion, it dictates our belief of our own mental state. So often, when we choose to share how we feel people cast it aside, “Oh, it’ll pass”, “Oh, it’s nothing, just get over it”, all that stuff.
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This belief that other people are right about our own mental state is foolish, how can someone else comment on the state of one’s own mind? In other situations, we are ready to accept compliments and deny criticism, but it’s vital to remember that each of these comments is forged by people’s varied perceptions and their infinitely complex sense of self being.
“Factors outside my control dictate my future.”
This depends on your philosophical world-view; are you a determinist, fatalist or are you #TeamFreeWill? Regardless, when things are going against us, it’s often easy to say, “Well, damn, that’s out of my control,” and well, sometimes it is. Sometimes things happen and they are impossible to explain. But how we choose to respond to these situations is entirely in our control. The situation does not dictate our future, our response to it does. There may be a script for that too, an elaborate Role Playing Game where we’re the protagonist in agony, but we still have a choice.
I said it before and I’ll say it again, we’re all toxic in our own little ways. If you think you're not, then well, being full of it is your version of toxicity. We have a choice; either convince ourselves we’re the hero of our story, or actually be the hero we want to be.
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Ask yourself, how are you toxic in your own little way? What can you do to really become the hero of your own story?
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