Mental illness is ugly. It isn’t what they show in most movies; someone sitting by a stained window on an overcast day. Mental illness, especially depression, can be anger, apathy and a deep, profound absence of positivity or happiness. No one wants to be around that. But once someone dies by suicide, they suddenly become a martyr, lost to a kind of death people don’t care to or want to really understand. I wouldn’t even blame people for this, it stems for a lack of understanding.
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Reacting to suicide is a fool’s errand, the only way we make a positive change is by being proactive. Earlier I mentioned that no one really wants to be around mental illness; that statement holds true. Everyone wants to be a regular person, leading normal lives. The natural of mental illness is not ‘regular’ or ‘normal’ to the uninitiated. So when a friends walks up to someone, says things that are so dark, so painful and so persistent, people can’t handle it. It’s not their fault; they are not professionals in the subject. But they are responsible for one thing, and that is to draw a line.
Let me tell you what I mean. Suppose a friend comes to you with problems that you don’t really understand. Or the intensity and persistence of their feelings seem alien to you. Or they are just in a ‘mood’ that doesn’t make sense to you. You just don’t understand. So what happens in situations such as these? Well a few things can happen:
You keep trying to help them, to no avail
You begin to think that they aren’t really doing what you think they should
You grow frustrated, angry, because you feel you’re saying the same things over and over
You either stop taking these problems seriously and cast them aside or distance yourself from the person
Again, none of this is your fault. You aren’t equipped to handle these things. The frustration stemming from the fact that whatever you are saying doesn’t help is perfectly normal. This is where you draw the line.
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In my opinion, more often than not, a mind addled and clouded by mental illness, does not view therapy as a viable option. The mind is so clouded by its anguish, that there is no path forward. So they come to you, till they can no longer.
The thing is, if a person is mentally ill, you can’t really help them, not in any long-term way. You can be there for them, you can listen to them, support them, but that’s about it. It is incumbent on you to encourage them to consider therapy. Make it clear that you aren’t washing your hands off them, but that you don’t have the tools to help them. A therapist, however, is trained to help them with exactly what they need. So many people act like you should go to a therapist in the worst-case scenario, but let me ask you a question. If you have a cough that refuses to go away, would you wait till you coughed blood before going to see a doctor? No, right? Well it’s pretty much exactly the same thing. Once you reach this point, all you can do is encourage your friend to seek the professional help they need, the help they deserve.
Go with them to their first appointment, hell, pay for it if you need to. Encourage them to keep up with the healthy practices they learn during sessions, do what’s necessary, but don’t try to act as a replacement to a professional therapist. You’ll end up making yourself responsible for something you don’t understand, and your friend will place their faith in someone who can’t help them in a meaningful way. There has to be a point where you say, “I love you, but I can’t help you. A therapist can and I will help you find the right one.”
It isn’t easy, it will be hard to do. Telling your extremely vulnerable and raw friend or loved one that you can’t help them will never cease to break your heart. It will strain relationships, it will cost you friendships, especially if they aren’t prepared to accept they need to go to therapy. It certainly cost me. But weeks or months on from that day, when you see the same person thriving, after getting the help they needed will be reward enough.
World Suicide Prevention Day was just a couple of days ago, and it got me thinking. Everyone becomes an advocate for mental health, empathy and compassion become the talk of the day, but a lot of it is really just a show. I say, let every day be one where you choose to be a person that could save a life, consciously or unconsciously, through compassion, understanding and perhaps most importantly, consistency.
Learn to draw the line, not as an act of selfishness, but one of love.
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