“I felt a Funeral, in my Brain,
And Mourners to and fro
Kept treading - treading - till it seemed
That Sense was breaking through -
And when they all were seated,
A Service, like a Drum -
Kept beating - beating - till I thought
My mind was going numb”
- Emily Dickinson
Depression is hard to explain, for a doctor or even for someone suffering from it. But Emily Dickinson was able to put some of it in words way back in the late 1800s. Sure, there are tons of definitions out there, and everyone has an opinion they hold in the highest regard, but none of it explains what depression really feels like.
A lot of us who have been dealing with this for a while have coping mechanisms; things we can do; actions we can take to get through the difficult times to varying degrees of success, but a lot of it has depended on the rest of the world functioning as it should. Unless you’ve just come out of hibernation, you should know that well, the world really isn’t functioning the way it should. We are under lockdown or quarantine, basic day-to-day life is pretty much at a standstill and a lot of our coping mechanisms just aren’t available right now.
There are days when it feels like someone placed a brick in the pit of my stomach, and I have to carry it around everywhere I go. Other days, it’s more like a pebble and sometimes, it isn’t there at all. I have always tried to view my depression as a complex neurochemical cocktail and nothing more. When the elements are balanced, it’s all good, but when things are off, I know there are certain things I can do to get myself back on track. It’s difficult, but comforting as well.
Before the world came to a halt thanks to Coronavirus, I found that one of the most effective tools to deal with my depression was distraction. I just had things to do, a compulsion, certain expectations I was supposed to meet. Sure, sometimes they felt like a burden as well, but once I could roll out of bed and plant my feet on the ground, these burdens gave me a sense of purpose. Whether it was going to class, cooking up some food or just dragging myself to the grocery store to pick up some vegetables, things were happening, and getting one thing done gave me enough momentum to get through the rest of the day.
But life in lockdown is another animal altogether. When you wake up and feel something coiling itself around your insides and squeezing, there are only so many distractions you can muster up sitting at home. Go take in the fresh air in the balcony, workout in your bedroom and stink the place up, and take a leisurely stroll from the kitchen to the bathroom. Okay, obviously things could be much worse, but it just feels like life has become a bottle episode (for those who don’t know, a ‘bottle episode’ is when a sitcom has an entire episode take place in one location. For example, The One Where No One’s Ready on Friends, where the entire episode takes place in Monica’s apartment). Imagine if Game of Thrones, a show known for its globetrotting storylines, suddenly decided to film an entire season in Tywin Lannister’s bathroom.
The sameness of things can make even the most interesting ideas lose their appeal, and honestly, our mental health is no different. Making effective use of pre-existing coping mechanisms becomes infinitely harder when surroundings remain the same. I’ve found, that no matter how depressed I may be, stepping out and doing the things I need to do has an air of unpredictability that just isn’t there anymore. That unpredictability was sometimes enough to take my overwhelming depression and turn it into a dull buzz at the back of my mind. But how unpredictable can things really get sitting at home?
Regardless, there are things that I have learnt over the years that still help me. Mindfulness has always been one of my best friends in my mental health journey, and it has been no different in lockdown. Finding different outlets for my thoughts, like this blog, have found me channelling my energies into something that gives me peace, and dare I say, is a little therapeutic. It becomes unimaginably difficult to see the light in the throes of a depressive episode, and without the ability to use coping mechanisms effectively, our minds could become prisons, run by this illness. But we’re here to tell you, that as long as you’re trying, you’re doing great!
Over time, we’ll be developing a section dedicated to relevant resources like articles, videos and tips and tricks that are beneficial to mental health. If you have any suggestions, comment below and also share how you’re dealing with things in the time of Coronavirus.