I wasn’t always this way. There was a time when I loved being around people, I enjoyed going out every day and hanging out with friends; I thrived in company. I was, what the people called, a good ol’ extrovert. That was back then.
This is now.
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A lot of not-so-great things have happened to me over the last decade or so, prompting a number of changes in my inherent tendencies and overall nature. Each of those events caused me to become withdrawn, a little bit at a time. After a few years, my so-called ‘extroverted-ness’ was a thing of the past. Above everything else, I started valuing the time I could spend with myself; social interactions felt mildly strenuous, I just yearned for the solitude of my bedroom.
As I got a better handle on my mental health, my older tendencies began to resurface, I found it easier to talk to people, I looked forward to social interactions and became more open as a person. But the problem was that I was at odds with myself. My newer sense of being, manifesting through trauma and therapy was at odds with the person I used to be. I wasn’t too big a fan of this internal conflict, but as I adjusted to it, I arrive at a realization a few years ago; it’s awesome. Allow me to elaborate.
The way I was before, I derived a lot of satisfaction and stability from the company of other people. If I could not regularly spend time with my friends or people in general, I felt incomplete and lacking as a person. I have also always been a rather sensitive person, and the more people I sought interaction with, the greater the potential for one of those interactions going wrong or something upsetting me. My desire for a wide net of friends and acquaintances also meant that I found it harder to form in-depth relationships with the people I considered close to me.
But while all of these tendencies were suppressed, I was a little too disconnected from the world around me. A need to be alone superseded everything else, which led to my ‘circle’ being much smaller than it was once was, and I wasn’t as warm, welcoming or comforting to people in general. Today, I’m a blend of both. I like to think of myself as an extroverted introvert.
While I still appreciate the time I spend with myself, I’ve retained the ability to be a relatively approachable presence to the people around me. The reason I say ‘relatively approachable’ is because sometimes people find my truth-first approach and general disinterest in placating people off-putting; and I’m okay with that. You see, the traits I picked up later in my life helped me develop a tight inner circle that understood and appreciated who I was. Gone were the days where my behaviour changed at the flip of a switch based on what I felt the person in front of me required.
For the first time in my life, I began to live for myself. I indulged where necessary, but continued to maintain solid boundaries with all the people in my life. Sure, all of this meant that I wasn’t the most popular person in the world, but I was at peace with myself. In the moments I was alone, I was satisfied.
It took me time to appreciate who I had become, but once that happened, I found a greater sense of self than ever before. Being this way isn’t for everyone, I don’t doubt that, but I don’t think there’s anything more satisfying and fulfilling in life than being true to yourself. But that idea of “yourself” is not stationery, it is evolving, and if isn’t for you, well it should be.
Holding onto what was distracts from what is; don’t get caught up in who you were. Try to embrace the aspects of yourself to appreciate in the present and work on the parts you feel can be better. I think that striving to improve the self is one of life’s greatest pursuits and it’s a journey we should all embark on.
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